It Ain't All It's Cracked Up to Be
"When we were on the boat…" most often elicits comments about how wonderful such a thing must be, living aboard, cruising the high seas, and how that is life's dream come true. I smile, nod, not wanting to shatter their happy wondering, but I'm telling you, it ain't all it's cracked up to be.
After a little aimless chat about our three-year adventure aboard, the statement is made, "You're a writer," followed by the question, "why don't you write about it?" I explain that every family who cruises has written about it to the point the market is flooded by such books, but the truth is, it ain't all it's cracked up to be, and folks don't want to hear that.
I have succumbed. I am writing about it. If your dream is to sail away and live forever cruising the blue, calm waters of the Caribbean, or the world's oceans, visiting exotic ports, and even more exotic, secluded anchorages off tiny, uncharted islands, catching your own lobster which are cooked right out of the water, drinking your favorite beverage while dining and watching the sun set on another perfect day, as you listen to Jimmy Buffet, stop right now. Do not read any further. That is the dream, but a dream is not reality. I'm telling you, it ain't all it's cracked up to be.
Sailing is hard work. You see these idyllic pictures of a tanned couple standing at the helm of an immaculate sailboat, smiling, and saying something like, "Now, bring me that horizon," a 'la Captain Jack Sparrow. That is not the reality.
A cruising vessel, if it has been to sea longer than a day is not clean and uncluttered. There is all manner of gear lashed to the deck, all salt encrusted, and all a daily necessity. The idyllic, smiling couple, after a week at sea, will both look as salty as the gear on deck.
If there are only two of you and you are making a several day crossing, you are likely to be sailing in four-hour watches, which do not allow for much sleep, and even basic personal hygiene is abandoned. Showering on a pitching, rolling boat is almost out of the question even if you have the water on board to take one.
After four hours of standing watch, the only thing you want to do is lie down, and as soon as you do, you're out…cold until the Admiral hollers, "I need you up here, QUICK!" It is usually minor, sometimes not, but the adrenalin is surging, and sleep of any sort is now only a wish.
Put two little girls, a dog, and two frogs into this mix, and there is no way you are ever going to capture the attention of the ad agency that took the idyllic smile photo. You soon realize why sailors are characterized as surly, unshaven, and ill kept. It is now embarrassingly clear where, and how, the term "cusses like a sailor" came about.
In your cruising dream, if you imagine hours of lounging at anchor reading a book, swimming, or resting, if you are the captain, forget it. Your time at anchor will be spent repairing all the stuff that broke on the crossing while the Admiral and the Princesses do all the things they dreamed of…washing dishes, doing laundry, re-supplying, and handing me tools.
As captain of a sailing vessel, you are ultimately responsible for everything. You are plumber, carpenter, electrician, rigger, painter, mechanic, minister, doctor/nurse, meteorologist, navigator, hydrologist, sail maker, and all around encyclopedia. Heaven help you if you ever say the words, "I don't know." If you do, you might as well get off at the next port and give the boat away. Your credibility with the crew is shot.
You have to be all of these things because, in the middle of the big, blue, wet thing, there is no roadside assistance or anyone likely to pass near if you break down. You are on your own. At sea, as captain, there is God, then you. It is all on you.
There comes a point when you wear down and instead of settling in some exotic locale that you dreamed of, you end up in Fairhope, Alabama…never a sweeter place on all the globe. "What made you stop here?" I am asked.
"This is where the anchor fouled," I answer.
"Really? Tell me about it."
I smile and will, but the truth is, it ain't all it's cracked up to be.
