Rules to Date By

          We are going on vacation. It is a much needed one. We all have worked so hard the past few months that we have decided to take a break by working ten times harder to go have fun. That is the logic of a vacation. In my absence, this column is a much requested re-run.

            It seems that from the first time it ran, many parents have seen the wisdom of my words. They laughed at the first printing, but as their daughters have gotten older, they are now not laughing, but seeing the merit. This is how the rules came about.

            I was walking by the Princesses’ rooms and heard, “He’s so hot!” Oh dear. 

            These are not my first teenage daughters to show interest in the opposite sex. I have been through this three other times and have learned a few things along the way. This “hot” situation needed to be addressed and the law laid down. It is just better to clear things up early, like at birth.

            Me, “Knock, knock.”

            Princesses, “Come in.”

            As stern as I could, I looked them in the eye until I saw the fear. I had their attention and spoke, “Boys are not hot until they have graduated from college.”

            “What?”

            “You cannot think boys are hot until they are out of school, and come to think of it, not until you are graduated too.”

            There was stunned silence and a very soft-spoken, “Dad?”

            I did a crisp about face and exited the room. I had made my point. Score one for the Daddy-man. Yeah.

            Years ago, I formulated a set of rules for dating. Up until now, they have been verbal, but the time has come to write them down. It makes them solid, like stone. Here they are. 

            To all my daughters, natural, and those who are “adopted” by me by virtue of your being super cool, brilliant, and my loving you, and that pretty much includes all of you, I have formulated rules for your dating experience. Please remember that I am a guy, and know what I am talking about when I say guys are to be avoided. In fact, guys are pretty much worthless until Rule Four below is met.

            Rule One: See the above conversation. Boys are not hot until Rule Four, then, maybe, but only maybe.

            Rule Two: You cannot talk to boys until you are sixteen, and then in only one-word sentences. At seventeen, you may use two words, and at eighteen, none.

            Rule Three: You may be alone with a boy when you have achieved all the requirements outlined hereafter in Rule Four. Until then, you are to have at least one adult standing between you and any boy. One is the minimum. There is no maximum. The more adults present, the better. If these adults are carrying firearms openly, that is better still.

            Rule Four: You may date when you are finished with your first college degree and are accepted into graduate school. Any boy you choose to date has to have graduated from college, (he’ll be hot then...maybe) provide to me, or your parents as substitutes, his financial statements showing a strong investment portfolio, and at least a six figure income. He should be debt free with the exception of one luxury car, and a house. You may date him once a month, but you can talk all you want. The "adults present" and firearms requirements are now optional depending on the parent.

            Rule Five: You must be twenty-eight (28) years old to be eligible for Rule Four freedoms.

            Rule Six: You must date this chosen young man for ten years, then you may marry at thirty-eight. Forty is better, but if you cannot wait, you may marry early if all the adults in your life meet the young man and agree to his worthiness. If any of us, including the checker at the grocery store do not approve, he is out, O-U-T. No arguments or you are grounded for life. I don’t care how hot he is.

            Rule Seven: If you are ever in a situation where none of the above rules apply, call me.  I will make one up.  

            Should you have any questions, don't ask them. The Ten Commandments are written in stone, so are these rules. Remember the fifth commandment of the Big Ten; "Honor thy father and thy mother...and thy writing teacher..."  Cool your jets boys; you are not hot...yet.

            A word to fathers of daughters going through this dating thing; I suggest you take your latest target from the firing range showing a tight grouping center mass, and another in the head and post it on your front door. If you don't have one, you can borrow mine. Across it, use a line from comedian Bill Engval, and write, "I ain't afraid to go back to prison". It won't stop them, but it may slow them down enough for you to read them the rules.